Chronic Pain and Isolation

    There's something about chronic pain that leaves me feeling very alone. I spend so much of my time in dark places trying to minimize my pain. It leaves very little time for socialization. In fact, since I no longer am able to go to College, I am more isolated than ever. The most human contact I get other than my family is from my Dungeons and Dragons group, which meets just about every Sunday.
     I am a social creature if an anxious one. I absolutely love people, although sometimes it drains me to be around them. But nowadays I rarely leave the house. It's not good for me, and it can't be helping my depression. I want to be around people. But I don't entirely know how anymore.
    I honestly don't know anyone where I live but my Dungeons and Dragons group and a few friends of my parents. I've tried various apps for making friends but I don't think people are very active on them in this area. And sometimes I wonder - who would want to be friends with a woman who is incapacitated so often. Am I even fun anymore?
   There are a few plans I have in place to help my loneliness. My family is getting a dog. We're looking at miniature golden doodles (we'd adopt but my brother has allergies). A dog should get me out of the house. And people like people with dogs, right? They introduce themselves and pet the dog and try to get their dog to socialize with your dog and it's a big huge thing. I'm also looking at a local science fiction book club, which could be cool. And finally, once some of the issues with my migraines are sorted out, I'd like to go back to College. I certainly had MORE of a social life there, if not an incredible one.
   For now, I have the internet. I have a group of friends on tumblr and twitter who have been incredibly supportive. Some of them have chronic conditions or depression themselves. They have been my saving grace. I met my girlfriend, Sam, on there, and although she lives far too far away (damn you California), she has been a rock of support. Sometimes it's difficult for me because I can't talk to them too long when I have a migraine because the light from the laptop hurts my head. I have however discovered a program which changes the type of light my laptop emits, f.lux, which has made it easier, if not easy, for me to spend more time on the computer.
    I feel alone, but I am not helpless. I can change things. It doesn't have to be like this forever, and I don't have to let my migraines define my social life.

Current Treatment and Future Options

I sometimes feel like I've been through every migraine treatment under the sun. I've certainly taken a great deal of medication, both prescribed and over the counter/herbal. None of it seems to have any great effect on me (except for side effects, of which there have been many). A few medications help a little bit, but not enough for me to feel anywhere near okay.

I've taken a great deal of seizure medications as preventatives. These are my least favorite kinds of medications, as I've found them to have the worst side effects. One of them, Depakote, caused my hair to begin to fall out. For a 15-year-old it was a massive blow to my already tender ego.  I've also taken Topiramate and Neurontin. Currently, in the seizure med area, I'm taking Keppra, which could have the fun side effect of turning me into a rage monster a la the hulk (at this point I don't think that will happen but I have seen some scary stories online).

Other than the seizure meds, I've been through several triptans. The only one that seems to do much of anything is injectable sumatriptan, but I've tried rizatriptan, zolmitriptan, frovatriptan, and probably another that I can't remember the name of.

Then there are what my brother calls the quack nostrums (I'm aware these things actually have effects), Over the counter herbal stuff. I've tried Feverfew, Magnesium, and Boswellia Serrata. None have had much of any effect.

I have tried so much and met with so much failure, but I still have options.

I recently found out about this... headband device thing called Cephaly that is supposed to help with migraines, so that's an option.

I'm in the middle of a course of Botox that might help. The only problem is I had my first treatment (which is usually not when the effect is felt) and now I have to wait several months for the next treatment. And things are getting worse.

There's currently a medical marijuana bill gaining ground in my state. If it doesn't come fast I swear I'm gonna find some myself. I have worried all this time about legality, but I HURT, and I HURT so often and the government can shove it.

If I go off of lithium, I can try ergotamine which might work for me.

It's... stressful trying to wait out a time when things might get better. I just want to be okay. If you have migraines, what works for you? Please comment.

Introduction to Me

I'm Maddie, and I've suffered from chronic pain for all of my life. When I was little, I would lie on the floor of the bathroom because the tiles were cool and helped my stomach feel better. At first, I only had gut pain, but when I turned 14, my migraines started. They have been the bane of my existence.

Right now, they are as bad as they've ever been. I spend a little less than half my time hiding from light and sound. I can't go to school, and I can't work. It's been incredibly frustrating. Sometimes I want a new brain. 

I sometimes feel like I live from doctors visit to doctors visit. I manage to do a little bit of freelance writing and editing work on the side, but it's not much. I don't have many friends where I live, mostly because I just don't leave the house. The internet has brought me the gift of support, but it's rough when you can't actually get a hug from a person. 

I am in a state of crisis. I don't want to have to live like this all my life. Something has to change. Some medication or procedure or anything really. I'm trying Botox, but it takes months to get that done and the wait for my second round of injections is killing me. 

Over the years, the pain has comingled with a great deal of depression. It's hard to be happy when your life feels like it's falling apart. When the only people that seem to care are your doctors and your family. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but a person needs friends. Friends who are up close, and non-virtual. Sometimes I don't know if I'm staying in bed because I hurt or if it's because I just don't have the energy to move. 

I am not my pain and depression, as much as it affects my life. Given the right circumstances, I can have a good time. Sometimes I am a very happy person. I love fantasy and science fiction, in books and on tv. I write a bit of fantasy myself, and I'm hoping to self-publish an ebook sometime this year. I'm obsessed with musicals and could sing the whole score of several different shows to you. I'm a loving joyful person in a shitty situation. I just need to find the right fix.